Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ch. 4 - A New Hope

It was a dark and stormy morning when I drove south, away from Denver and towards my next stop in El Paso. I was super excited and absolutely couldn't wait to see Margaret and Mia... but the storm clouds were gathering literally and metaphorically. As I climbed to over 7,000 ft (talking my car through it all the way.. she did fine) I began to worry. Not just about the weather, but about this whole cockamamy scheme of mine.. just what exactly was I doing out here driving, driving, driving across the country? It was now late September, I had been on the road about 3 weeks, and at the moment it began to snow, I couldn't have given you a good answer to that question. As documented, I had my reasons for moving (they seemed valid at the time) and I had had a great time in Denver, but now I was in a cloud of funkiness. Maybe it was just being alone with my thoughts for the first time in a week.. maybe life on the road was finally catching up to me physically.. could I handle the rest of this trip? More to the point, what was I gonna do and how was I gonna do it, when I got to San Francisco? I guess I had thought about it in the past, but not really. Up until this point I had done a pretty good job keeping myself in a deep dark pit of denial.. which I think I had to do as a defense against wussing out and not taking this trip at all. I hadn't been fearless, only willfully clueless. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself here, but I felt like the ostrich with his head buried in the sand. Now, as I ascended the mountains, I was also climbing out of my state of denial into the harsh, depressing light of re-fucking-ality. Jeebus. I was a little freaked out.

The snow was no big deal, though, and the freaked out feeling didn't last long either. As I came through the other side, the weather cleared and the heat of the truth began not to burn quite as much. I thought and thought and thought (and talked and texted while driving.. don't tell anyone) and I began to come to terms with my new worries. This line of thinking was inevitable.. and ultimately, probably, necessary and healthy. I'd be forced to confront these questions sooner or later, why not now? So, I confronted the best I could. There were still a lot of things unknown and unknowable until I got to where I was going.. that was just gonna have to be OK for now. For this plan to work I must stay positive and "keep moving forward" (as Mia and I now know from watching Meet The Robinsons while I was in El Paso). I convinced myself anew that everything would be alright and thus my freak out ended, without any real answers, but with a renewed peace of mind and hope for the future.

I admit that the title for this chapter in the blog occurred to me long before any of the other posts were even written. If you don't get it, congratulations, you are not as much of a dork as me. I was determined to use it no matter if it fit the subject matter or not, hell or high water... as it turned out, it was the perfect title and sums up in three words what I have just rambled about for two paragraphs. Oh well. May the force be with you.

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