Ch. 5a - Sin City Redux

After satiating myself with massive amounts of Del Taco (have I mentioned I am a sucker for Mexican food? They did not have Del Tacos in Jersey, I missed them. I draw the line at Taco Bell, though. OK, no I don't.. chalupas are too good to resist), I found my way to my friends' house. Dan works the overnight shift and was just waking up at 10pm. Kash was working and wouldn't be home till midnight. I, of course, was unemployed and thankful to have a place to stay! Kash and Dan (left to right) can be seen in the picture above.. they are about to eat burgers, exciting! Although, Kash looks excited but Dan looks quizzical and in some sort of pain. The burgers were good, however.

I ended up staying in Vegas for a week, in which time I played poker as much as possible at all my old haunts (The Venetian is still probably the best place to play, though the heavily perfumed air is equal parts blessing and curse.. if you win, it is the smell of success and better your clothes smell like that than cigarettes; if you lose, it's one of the most sickening smells on Earth). When I wasn't playing poker I went to a tattoo show (the world's largest.. ouchies!) with Dan and Kash, went bowling with my other Vegas-based buddies, James and David Weiner (I can never not use his last name.. he knows it's funny to say.. he knows I'll always be his little Jew), went to a buffett (used my left-over casino player points, so it only cost $2.70.. but buffets are still mostly a gross, glutinous experience), watched as much Curb Your Enthusiasm as Kash and I could watch (Kash is probably at least as Jewish as I am at this point, he loves Curb and Seinfeld so much), got $1 hot dogs and beer (that's what Vegas does best, baby!), played craps with the weatherman from the CBS Early Show (true story, but they left me on the cutting room floor), introduced Dan to the joys of Pai-Gow poker (he's a natural), and generally tired myself the hell out. It was a lot of fun and all told I won just over $700 gambling over the course of my entire road trip.. that sure helps! See, kids, gambling is a sure path to success!

Now that I am out West once again and flights are pretty cheap from SFO to LAS, I hereby promise to return to Vegas more often for more good times. City Center opens in December and I've gambled in every casino in Vegas, I owe it to myself to keep the streak alive.

Ch. 5 - The Thing of It Is

Leaving El Paso was hard for me. I mean, how could I leave all that Mexican food! But seriously, saying goodbye to Margaret and Mia is always tough and doesn't seem to be getting easier. I guess it's not supposed to. Oh well, as I drove away I was forced to console myself with thoughts of how much money I was going to win in Vegas. Man, I love to gamble! There, I said it, and I don't care who knows it! Anyway, besides the gambling (it's progress that I'm allowing for the possibility that there is anything besides gambling, right?), I was anxious to see my friends that are still in Vegas. It had been only just over a year since I left, but I swear "the Vegas era" feels like a different lifetime to me now. So much (and yet, so little) has happened since I lived there.. and I can hardly believe that I lived there for four years! I can't imagine living anyplace for that long now. Operation Wanderlust is in full effect, people.

Nevertheless, I was driving to Las Vegas for the second time in my life and I could hardly wait to get there. The siren song of Vegas is strong and relentless - to me it sounds like chips being shuffled at the poker table. My friends Dan (another person from Texas, a Jew from Texas at that) and Kash were letting me stay on their futon for as long as I wished.. My plan was to make my big score and get while the getting was good. I just about stuck to the plan, too. But before I even got to Vegas, I had to make a stop somewhere in the middle of nowhere Arizona to see... THE THING!!!

Once again I was sucked in by mile after mile of billboards for a tourist trap, this one simply stating in big bold letters on a yellow sign that I must "see the Thing!" Naturally, they do not tell you what the "Thing" is.. marketing genius. "The Thing, what is it?" as another of the billboards read. Will it be scary? Will it be gross? Will it be human? Will it be lame? Most assuredly, yes, it will be lame, but there is only one way to find out.. stop and "see the thing!" So, I stopped, payed my $1 (even this price hurt me to pay) to go behind the closed door in the back of the convenience store, walked along the path to what I was told is just the first of three (!) buildings holding the thing, opened the creaky door to what looked like a big metal shed, and... I almost don't want to ruin the mystery just in case you ever find yourself driving from El Paso to Las Vegas... but, here's the thing about the "thing":

Yes, that says that this car was believed to be Hitler's car.. "The THING of it is, it can't be proved." So, yep, lame-o. The rest of the "exhibits" in the sheds were similar: old horse-drawn carriages, old Coke machines, old guns, old torture devices with mannequins staged to show how it was done. OK, the place did get weird after a while and I realized it would be completely creepy at night.. a great setting for some horror movie where stupid white teenagers get axed by the local ax-murderer. Come to think of it, while on the surface this place was nothing more than a cheesy conglomeration of leftover crap from bygone eras, I think it was actually more than the sum of its parts.. Anyway, I know I personally couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Onward to Sin City. This was the longest leg of my trip, over 12 hours, and I was dog ass tired when I finally rolled into the valley. Still, I got that old familiar feeling of excitement as I looked down on the city lights glimmering in the desert night, and, just like any good tourist, I felt I needed to cruise the strip from Mandalay Bay to The Sahara. And cruise I did, windows down, arm hanging out, inhaling deep breaths of the gambling mecca of the world.. smelled like victory.. and chlorine from the Bellagio fountain. The traffic was still bad on the strip, a good sign for the economy I suppose. I was a little worried there was gonna be no one there from the horror stories I had been hearing. Anyway, I saw some new buildings and enjoyed my cruise, but I also quickly realized that a year away was not enough for me to find the strip newly exciting upon my return. In fact, just the opposite was true. I returned with a new perspective and, alas, the magic of Vegas may be gone for me now. Not to sound elitist or snobby (I promise I am nothing if not a common man), but it all just seemed so fake to me now. Of course, The Strip always has been nothing but artifice designed to distract you while you lose the family nest egg, and I can appreciate how well it does just that. But the total lack of anything, you know, real was just so apparent to me now and it was already starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Don't get me wrong, I still think Vegas is a great and necessary place, and I think a lot of other cities would benefit by adopting some of the things Vegas does right: everything's open 24 hrs, food and drinks are mostly available for cheap, big beautiful bowling alleys are abundant and games are $1 after midnight. Vegas is a fantastic place to visit, but it's hard for me to imagine living there anymore. The stimulus overload is just too much.. which is weird considering I just came from New York freakin' City, but Vegas has a whole different set of stimuli. I guess it's fairly obvious, but I see now how it might not be the best place for one's mental or physical long term health.

Nevertheless, I wasn't planning on being there long term and I had a lot of lost poker time to make up for.. I wasn't gonna let a little bad taste in my mouth stop me from mainlining as much hardcore Vegas action as my system could handle in a week! But first, I needed Del Taco and sleep.

Ch. 4a - Rosa's Cantina

Down in the west Texas town of El Paso... I saw two of the most beautiful people in the world. For that is where my friends Margaret and Mia live. Mia is Margaret's daughter, for anyone who doesn't know. I met them in Las Vegas, then they moved to Jersey, then I moved to Jersey, then they moved to El Paso, then, as you know, I decided to quit my job and go on a month long road trip, zig-zagging my way cross-country. It had been almost a year since I'd seen them and there was no way I wasn't gonna zig (or was it a zag?) through El Paso. Plus, I had never been in Texas (except the airports.. everyone has a layover in Houston or Dallas eventually) and it had been far too long since I had had good Mexican food! I rolled into town at dusk and we met at one of Margaret's favorite Mexican restaurants right off the bat.. she knew what I wanted. Holy god, the food was so good! Jersey and New York just do not have this kind of stuff. Oh, and it was pretty damn awesome to see Margaret and Mia, too!

There's Mia, she's seven and couldn't be more pretty, smart, funny, loving, or toothless. We had a great time watching TV, building forts with couch cushions, playing train, bowling, and playing on the playground at her school. I had sure missed her. More than just a good kid, she really is an amazing person and I am so glad that she and her mom are happy and living in a great place in El Paso.

As for El Paso, like the T-shirt said, it ain't Kansas, and that's a good thing. It's a really pretty town, I thought, yet not like I pictured it at all. It is a desert, but it has mountains that run right through it and give the neighborhoods a more interesting texture. It is a sister city to Juarez, Mexico, which you can see right across the river and the Border Highway, marked by a giant Mexican flag, a flag I'm told is the world's biggest.. who knew? By the way, if you ever go to El Paso, do not go to Juarez.. ever. It is pretty much the center of one of the largest drug cartel gang wars in Mexico, and therefore the world. It's sad, but I repeat, it is not a place to go.. ever.

There is a place you must go, however, if you ever find yourself in Texas: Whataburger! I have many friends from Texas (everybody in Vegas was from freakin' Texas it seemed) and they all talk about Whataburger as if it is the holy grail of burger joints. I have had many a fast food burger (some say too many, I say that is impossible) and I was always skeptical of the supposed greatness of Whataburger. I've had In N' Out, how much better could this place be, really? Well, by golly if those Texans don't know of what they speak.. Whataburger was purty dang delicious! Maybe I was just super hungry when I had it, but I swear the burger was at least as good as In N' Out, the fries were better than McDonald's, and even the ketchup was somehow better than typical Heinz. I was impressed and vowed to get another one before I left (a promise I kept with great enthusiasm). My only complaint about the place is how the name is pronounced; everyone in Texas says it like they are saying "water-burger," not "what-a-burger". Why is this? No one could explain.

The second big tourist stop on my visit was the El Paso Saddleblanket. All along the highway heading into El Paso were billboards insisting that I come see the Saddleblanket world headquarters, where I would find untold quantities of western... well, stuff. I didn't really know what the hell was gonna be there but I knew I wanted to go.. I like all things western; in fact, I always wanted to pretend I was a cowboy. Actually being a cowboy would probably suck, but pretending to be a cowboy could be ideal. Anyway, the Saddleblanket turned out to be a huge complex of wholesale stores selling everything from big Texas style ranch furniture to Mexican trinkets, pottery, and jewelry to actual saddle blankets and other horse tack. It was an impressive display and the prices were good, too.. I bought my T-shirt and a couple cowgirl bags for the girls and mosied on out of there.

The final highlight was a genuine Texas steak dinner at The Edge of Texas, a cool old restaurant (formerly a whorehouse, seriously) outside of town on a real working 88,000 acre ranch... Yeeee-Haw!! We had us some genuine Texas steer and, let me tell you what, it was mighty fine. Mighty, mighty fine. And the big open sky as evening fell is what Texas is all about in my city-slicking mind.. seeing that every night would be the good part about being a real cowboy.

But, of course, the best thing about El Paso is that my friends are there. They'd probably be the best part of whatever town they were in, I think. Not only was it beyond-words great to see them, but I love that I got to see with my own eyes all the places and people that they've been telling me about for years.. I can really visualize their stories now. "Hey," I can say, "I know where 'that' (whatever they're talking about) is!" I like being able to say that.

El Paso was the fourth stop on my journey.. I still had one more to make. Late September and the only thing between me and the coast was Vegas, baby... Vegas.

Ch. 4 - A New Hope

It was a dark and stormy morning when I drove south, away from Denver and towards my next stop in El Paso. I was super excited and absolutely couldn't wait to see Margaret and Mia... but the storm clouds were gathering literally and metaphorically. As I climbed to over 7,000 ft (talking my car through it all the way.. she did fine) I began to worry. Not just about the weather, but about this whole cockamamy scheme of mine.. just what exactly was I doing out here driving, driving, driving across the country? It was now late September, I had been on the road about 3 weeks, and at the moment it began to snow, I couldn't have given you a good answer to that question. As documented, I had my reasons for moving (they seemed valid at the time) and I had had a great time in Denver, but now I was in a cloud of funkiness. Maybe it was just being alone with my thoughts for the first time in a week.. maybe life on the road was finally catching up to me physically.. could I handle the rest of this trip? More to the point, what was I gonna do and how was I gonna do it, when I got to San Francisco? I guess I had thought about it in the past, but not really. Up until this point I had done a pretty good job keeping myself in a deep dark pit of denial.. which I think I had to do as a defense against wussing out and not taking this trip at all. I hadn't been fearless, only willfully clueless. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself here, but I felt like the ostrich with his head buried in the sand. Now, as I ascended the mountains, I was also climbing out of my state of denial into the harsh, depressing light of re-fucking-ality. Jeebus. I was a little freaked out.

The snow was no big deal, though, and the freaked out feeling didn't last long either. As I came through the other side, the weather cleared and the heat of the truth began not to burn quite as much. I thought and thought and thought (and talked and texted while driving.. don't tell anyone) and I began to come to terms with my new worries. This line of thinking was inevitable.. and ultimately, probably, necessary and healthy. I'd be forced to confront these questions sooner or later, why not now? So, I confronted the best I could. There were still a lot of things unknown and unknowable until I got to where I was going.. that was just gonna have to be OK for now. For this plan to work I must stay positive and "keep moving forward" (as Mia and I now know from watching Meet The Robinsons while I was in El Paso). I convinced myself anew that everything would be alright and thus my freak out ended, without any real answers, but with a renewed peace of mind and hope for the future.

I admit that the title for this chapter in the blog occurred to me long before any of the other posts were even written. If you don't get it, congratulations, you are not as much of a dork as me. I was determined to use it no matter if it fit the subject matter or not, hell or high water... as it turned out, it was the perfect title and sums up in three words what I have just rambled about for two paragraphs. Oh well. May the force be with you.

Ch. 3c - Things To Do In Denver When You're Cold

Somewhere between being tackled by my cousins and being tackled again by my cousins, I found time to do and see several other things in the Denver area. This is that story.
 

First up, The WOW! Museum. Wow, what a museum! It is a nice little interactive kids museum right around the block from my cousins' house. Here you see Doolin in a bubble of his own making. He and I also spent about 40 minutes building what I am sure is the world's largest PVC pipe structure.. well, at least Lafayette, CO's biggest. Another night my Aunt and I went bowling and absolutely dominated the lanes. She bowled close to her best game ever and I had one game where I marked in every frame.. better get our autographs now before we turn pro and they will be too valuable to give away for free.


One day we all walked around the Pearl St. Mall in Boulder, bought some toys at a very cool toy store and some candy at a very cool candy store (where Willy Wonka is played on a continuous loop), and then the weather began to turn... clouds, wind, and eventually some significant rain rolled in and the rest of my time in Colorado would be spent shivering (not quite, but I am originally from Florida, ya know). This was especially not great since my aunt and I had put off all of our outdoor activities until the last couple days of my trip. Tickets to the Rockies game were already purchased and the golf course awaited us before that. But we were determined not to let the weather stop us. We suffered for our sports.

First up was the golf. We woke up and it was about 40 and rainy. Crap. But we wanted to play, damnit! And play we did. The course was still very pretty to me and we still had a lot of fun. Next up was the Rockies game at Coors' Field in downtown Denver. The stadium was beautiful but this was the first time I have ever sat in the rain to watch a game - cold, cold rain - and I don't know that I would care to repeat it. See my aunt and Cousin Lois bundled up in left-center field.. this is not how one is supposed to have to dress to go to a baseball game. However, I did enjoy my famous footlong Rockie Dog (probably only 10" and not that special) and Cracker Jacks, though. Also, the Rockies have since secured a playoff spot and I think we can take full responsibility.. we are clearly good luck.

Finally, did you know that if the Celestial Seasonings factory were to leave their stock of mint leaves exposed, passersby could smell them from 4 miles down the street?! It's true! We found this out when we toured the factory in Boulder and went into the "mint room" where your eyes will burn and the mint smell will attach itself to your clothes for days. The factory was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be and the free tour included a lot of free samples. After having all that tea we were so amped on caffeine that we climbed some mountains.. here I am upon my descent, the conquering mountain man. Ha.... Ha.