Friday, September 3, 2010

A Brief History of Time

This morning I realized it has been a year since I left New Jersey. Suddenly, a year has become a small increment of time. When did that happen?

I remember when a year seemed like FOR-EVVV-ER. But now, it has already been a year since I left New Jersey. It seems like yesterday. Funny thing is, it also feels like a hundred years ago. I can't believe it's been a year; I can't believe it's only been a year. It's strange. My time in New Jersey seems an entire other life to me now. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it was real and I really did live there. I was there for a year and have been gone for a year... two big years in my life that blur together and become one. In my mind, past time contracts, expands, and folds in on itself until the concept of a year is almost rendered meaningless. In the end, events have happened, how much does it even matter when they happened?

At any rate, right now, New Jersey almost seems like a dream to me. But this is not the first time I've looked back and had that feeling. I think I have always had a bad tendency to sleepwalk through life. It's why I can't remember high school too well... I just wasn't present a lot of the time. I mean, I know I was there, had some good times, passed a few tests, made a few friends (one, actually), but I feel like I never fully engaged, body and soul. I just put my head down and powered through, unconsciously keeping out of the way of most people and most potentially embarrassing situations. Not that high school was any great loss, probably, but the point is high school certainly wasn't the last time I've sleepwalked. I don't know, I guess it's a preemptive defense mechanism against real feelings or experiences that could become painful memories down the road. Yeah, that's the ticket. Ahh, but there is no good without the bad, right? I have to keep reminding myself of this! I can't be scared.

In this last year since I left New Jersey I think I have done a lot better job of staying awake to the beauty and pain and joy and sorrow of life. I still go catatonic now and then, but I'm working on it.
Then again, maybe it's all a dream within a dream within a dream, Inception style? Shit, where's my little dreidel? I gotta see if I'm still in my head. Maybe if I keep writing, I'll wash up on the shore of my unconscious. That'd be fun! Happy Labor Day.

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