Joke's On Me

Well, where was I? Hmmm.... last year at this time I was driving through the wilds of Idaho or Montana or some such place on a 29 hour round-robin marathon drive to Devil's Lake, ND with Danie and Jesse for Thanksgiving. This year, I am finishing up a two week stint (stretch? sentence for some unknown offense?) as a substitute teacher in high school. This was a gig that could have led to a full-time position. Once again I flirted with stability, looked it square in the face, tried it on for size. I passed. Stability at this school at this time would have been a cruel mistress, I think. In any case, it just weren't right. Or maybe I'm not right. Either way, end result is I don't have to go back there and that makes me happy. For now.

On the other hand, I think maybe everything I say or write on this blog is just misdirection by way of circuitous logic and semi-fancy words to cover for the fundamental path-of-least-resistance-ness of my actions. Sometimes I think all my decisions in life come down essentially on the side of simply taking the path of least resistance (henceforth referred to by the acronym I think I have just invented: POLR, pronounced "polar"). This pattern to my decision making could very well be real and might very well speak to some character defect. 

Me, looking existential after a teaching gig...
although, I took a picture so
I couldn't have been too deep in thought.

But why does POLR have such negative connotations? Is it really such a bad thing to "take the easy way out"? Eesh, that phrase makes it sound even worse. What about just not intentionally making things harder than they already are? That sounds alright for an ethos doesn't it? Mix that with a dash of good old-fashioned laziness and I think you've got me. Of course, I don't mean to say that I don't challenge myself sometimes... but maybe there are times when I should challenge myself and don't. Times when I should take the mythopoetically noble "road less traveled," but instead take the nice newly paved 4-lane highway right to the nearest fast-food restaurant. I dunno... But analyzing this anymore would make my brain hurt and I have less strenuous paths to find and take at the moment.

Anyway, the substitute teaching is going well, and, even better, being successful at it does not require me to stray far from the POLR. It may not be the easiest job, but it certainly doesn't require all the responsibilities of a regular teacher. Responsibilities like planning and grading and talking to parents. As soon as the going gets tough, the day is over and I don't have to ever go back to that classroom again, if I don't want to. The POLR is blissfully not paved with excess responsibilities.

These guys are not upstream-swimming salmon.
They took the POLR, wound up in a bucket. Of course,
the story doesn't end too well for the salmon, either.

Other things I've learned from substituting: High school still sucks as much as it always did, even without any added and burdensome "adult" responsibilities. Elementary school has more positive vibes but requires an energy level I either never had or can't maintain now. And middle school... ahh, middle school. I still can't decide if it's the worst place on earth or a great, vibrant, worthy challenge I need to rise to. For some mysterious reason, middle school might actually tempt me away from the POLR. Some kids are really cool, some are really the devil's spawn, all are a little of both at some point during the day. The thing that weirds me out the most, though, is that I still have the feeling I used to have when I was a kid in middle school... I get the feeling the little bastards know something I don't! Like I am not in on the joke. OK if you don't want to learn today, but at least let me in on the joke you little fuckers!

I've been trying to get in on the joke my whole life. I like that metaphor better than the POLR... this way, at least, it seems like I'm questing for something, not just following the easiest road. Questing is good, no negative connotations there. Yes, I believe I am questing. Incidentally, my favorite letter to write has always been "Q"... this is all falling into place!

*No fish were harmed... actually, yes, yes they were harmed. Caught by my dad's net and killed for bait, in fact. The circle of life. I am grateful for all of it! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

A NoDak Thanksgiving - On The Road Again, Part 2

The next morning, Thanksgiving Day, I awoke in a basement in North Dakota for the first time in my life and in my post-deep-REM-sleep stupor I momentarily had absolutely no fucking idea where in the hell I was. When I came to and remembered, it still didn't make a whole lot of sense to be waking up in a basement in North Dakota, but at least I knew I had not been abducted and would not have to fight my way out with this stuffed fish, a plan I had imagined when I saw him the night before. In fact, I was quite comfortable in my bed and by the squeak of the floorboards above me and the smell of toast wafting down, I knew breakfast proceedings were underway and I couldn't think of anything better in the world at that moment but to have a big, home-cooked, family style breakfast. The food and the company did not disappoint and this was only the beginning of a long, glorious day of eating and relaxing. We all knew there was a huge, traditional holiday dinner awaiting us and yet we still had a big breakfast and an even bigger lunch, only a couple hours later. Lunch consisted of cheese, salamis, shrimp, deviled eggs, a beef ball, crackers, and more that was way too hard to resist eating too much of.. so we generally did not resist. Somehow there was just gonna have to be room in our bellys for everything. On this day we would not deny ourselves anything!

As I mentioned in Part 1, dinner itself was an incredible display of traditional turkey (juicy, beautiful, seen to the left), smoked turkey (awesome and even awesomer cold sandwiches later), ham (sweet succulent swine), and all the trimmings you'd expect, all done perfectly. One unique addition to the table was the traditional Norwegian tortilla-like flatbread called lefse. In case you didn't know, North Dakota and other parts of the upper mid-west are full of Norwegian descendants and Jesse's family is no different. Lefse is one of those things Norwegian kids grow up eating and will always hit that perfect soft spot in their heart and stomach, so Jesse was in heaven. The traditional way to eat it is to spread it with butter, sprinkle a healthy dose of sugar on it, roll it up and enjoy... and enjoy we all did. I also brought a home-made Jewish tradition of my own to the party, the challah bread pictured here (I made it the day before we left, the rolls were meant for turkey sandwiches, they did not, however, make the trip.. I just couldn't resist eating them fresh.. I'm weak.. but look at them, aren't they pretty?! They demanded to be eaten right there and then). Anyways... after dinner there was, of course, dessert, and, just before we slipped into the inevitable food coma, pumpkin pies and pumpkin cheesecake made their appearance and proved to be the perfect ending to a beautiful meal. Soon we all retired to the living room to bask in the glow of our full stomachs and an HDTV. Even then, as we began to vegetate after this huge meal, I began to daydream of how good the leftovers were going to be.. speaking of which, do you know what you do with the leftovers in North Dakota? Just put them outside... good as any fridge. Man, I'm such a Florida kid, huh? Stuff like that (and having basements) is so foreign and gee-wiz impressive to me!

The next thing I remember is watching the show Deadwood on DVD. This show came to be sort of a soundtrack to our trip (a soundtrack with very, um, colorful language, as you know if you've seen the show). Once we started watching, it seems like we didn't stop, and that was OK with me. Wow, why wasn't I watching this show before?! Awesome, dirty, over the top, grotesque but really well acted cowboy melodrama.. I'm hooked. Check it out if you don't mind your cowboys and whores swearing even more than modern day sailors.

Two gambling adventures are next in my memory, one sad and frustrating, the other with a much happier ending. First up, me and Jesse (seen to the left, in happier, post-Thanksgiving-dinner times), being the sick degenerates we are, of course found our way to the local Indian casino to try our hand in their poker tournament. Well, this turned out to be a pretty miserable experience start to finish. We really should have never put our money down once we saw this place, but by the time we realized just how bad this was going to be, it was too late, the tournament had already started. Nobody but us really cares why this was such an awful tournament, I guess, but trust me, it was. The dealers were terrible, the structure was ridiculous, the players were old cranky farmers who all knew each other and had way deeper pockets than us. All in all a big waste of money.. and it's a dry casino, too. No booze! Who ever heard of such a thing?! We couldn't even drown our sorrows.

On the other hand, and against all reasonable expectations, bingo at the Knights Of Columbus was a joy! Danie, Lucy, Lucy's mom, and I spent Saturday afternoon playing bingo and pull tabs (North Dakota version of lottery scratch offs, basically) at the local KOC around the block. Now, Lucy and I are old pros from our days on the Vegas bingo circuit, where the competition is fierce and the stakes are high. We started as mere amateurs, but we had a passion to learn and were willing to pay our dues and work harder than anybody else, and by the time we each left Vegas we had slowly but surely worked our way up through the ranks. We were at the top of our bingo game. So, Devil's Lake bingo was not nearly as intimidating to us as it would be to most of you unschooled, wannabe bingo pros. And it felt good to get back in the saddle again! We all daubed our hearts out and were having fun, but, alas, victory was eluding us. It was down to the last game of the afternoon, do or die. As the game went on and on, the old man kept calling numbers and more numbers, the tension in the air was thick as the regulars anticipated a bingo call with every new number called.. surely this was the number that would end the game! I was only one number away, myself, and we were all getting so tantalizingly close. Finally, I hear "B... 5"... Bingooooo! I've got bingo! I had won! Victory was mine! $49 cold hard cash, baby! You may not be as naturally gifted as me, but if you practice hard enough and dedicate yourself to the craft of bingo, I know one day you, too, can be as good a bingo player as me... Just don't give up! On the way out, the nice old lady that ran the game told me she was glad I won because I "showed the ladies how to play"! That's right, ladies! How do like me now?

After bingo I partook in yet another very manly pursuit.. Me, Jesse, and Jesse's dad went out and shot the shit out of some shit! Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about! We drove out to the middle of nowhere, popped the trunk, loaded up, threw a Coke can out in a field, and took aim... you can call me Dead Eye Joel now. Seriously, for never having fired a rifle before, I feel like I acquitted myself pretty well.. I made that can dance like a summabitch! Check me out, from the back I could pass for a real country boy couldn't I? Pretty sure I would cry if I shot anything other than a can, though.

And then before we knew it, it was time to drive back home. 29 hours, 1,846 miles back home. I think we all could have stayed another couple days at least, but some people have jobs and some people had to get back to San Francisco to go to them. Personally, I could have stayed in that basement a while longer... Jesse's parents were very kind and hospitable to me and I thank them very much for having me. I really enjoyed my time in the upper Mid-West! Although, in a way I'm sad I missed the -20 temps, it would have been quite the new experience.. but mostly I'm happy I didn't have to deal with that craziness. The ride home was clear and largely uneventful. Jesse and I were feeling sick, so we were either stoned on Nyquil, sleeping in the back seat, or it was our turn to drive for four hours. Danie straight up refuses to get sick, so she was fit as a fiddle and probably drove an extra hour here and there. We got home at about 4pm and I went directly to sleep. I went on to sleep for what seemed like three days straight... I was out of it. Thus ends our NoDak adventure. Will any of us want to drive that much again any time soon? Absolutely not. Will we do it again ever? Maybe, just maybe...

A NoDak Thanksgiving - On The Road Again, Part 1

If my life were the star ship Enterprise, and my mission was to "Boldy go where no Jew has gone before," then going to Devil's Lake, North Dakota for Thanksgiving would be the logical next step. As it is, I am not Capt. Picard-berg, and a Hyundai Accent makes a poor substitute for the Enterprise (sorry, Accents, you know I love you, but I think we can all agree you are no Enterpise). However, I did, in fact, go to NoDak for Thanksgiving and it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life.

You see, Jesse's family is in Devil's Lake, and it being Thanksgiving and all, he wanted to go home. Only thing is.. it's a 29 hour freakin' drive! Each way! Ouch. But flights were super expensive and with there being three of us here now it was theoretically possible to drive straight through, rotating shifts of driving and sleeping, none of us having to drive for more than four hours at a time. Since I have no job and generally nothing else to do, I immediately told them to count me in and once we all committed to do it, we were excited. Vacation! Road trip! We must be fuckin' nuts! That was surely the sentiment most people had when we told them our plan.. and they were probably right. We had to admit that it did sound crazy. 29 hours straight driving to get to... where was that again? North Dakota? What the...?? Surely we wouldn't make it, we would freeze our balls off, and/or we would all hate each other by the time we got there. Obviously, we had our doubts and our doubters. Well, I am pleased to say we proved them all wrong. (And if I could have pre-visioned the above meat platter and the rest of the deeelicious Thanksgiving dinner, I would never have had any doubts at all... the food was maybe worth the whole trip!)

Frankly, at this point, the drive there is a total blur of roads, trucks, gas stations, snacking, sunsets, sunrises, and fitful sleeping. I know we were all full of adrenaline to be getting out of the city for a while and we were well stocked with road food and road music, but other than that I don't remember many specifics. I know the first gas stop we made was in Sparks, NV, which is really just Reno. It was probably the coolest truck stop/casino/gun museum you're ever likely to see. To the left you see Wyatt Earp's gun, they also had John Wayne's spurs and at least two full walls of other guns and memorabilia.. Northern Nevada baby!

There were a few wrong turns around the Idaho/Montana border but the roads were clear and the weather was great and amazingly it seemed like we were in North Dakota before I knew it. Even though we had spent over a full day in the car, somehow it felt to me like we had gone through a time warp or a wormhole (to continue with the Star Trek motif). Simultaneously, it physically felt to me exactly like we had spent 29 hours in a car, but mentally like the 29 hours went by super fast and time in the world outside the car had somehow failed to pass. I wondered if the ride home would seem so easy and quick. But I hardly wanted to think about that now and I certainly didn't have time to dwell on it, as we hit the ground running as soon as we pulled up to Jesse's parents' house. His dad greeted us with blender in hand, pouring lemonade shots and passing out beers. Yep, this was going to be a good time. We toasted each other on our driving accomplishment, downed our drinks, and hit the showers as soon as we could.. we stank.

Before heading to bed, all the kids (me, Danie, Jesse, and his sister, Lucy) went to the bar around the block (The Warehouse) where Danie and I were very exotic.. Danie more obviously so than me, but still, we were both a rare breed in this neck of the woods. The locals were friendly enough though (the night before Thanksgiving and the place was packed) and the band (Heroes & Thieves) was loud and good enough to get the crowd dancing. I did not dance, but I did get ever so close to the dance floor and enjoyed soaking up my first NoDak bar experience. From there we walked home and I promptly passed out in the first real bed I've had to sleep on in a long while... This was the start of a beautiful friendship between me and North Dakota.

Snow and THE Ohio trip

Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving! I think it is probably my favorite holiday, if I could call any of them favorites. In general, holidays suck. Nevertheless, I found myself driving some 9 hours each way to Columbus, OH. This was my first time in Ohio, where both sides of my family are actually from. My friend Mitch, seen here in front of his house (clearly very happy to see me), is a pathology resident at THE Ohio State University. That's right, THE. If you don't say the "The" they will yell at you. Silly and pretentious? Yes. But the campus is nice and Mitch likes it there. He cuts up dead people for a living and gave me a tour of the morgue. I saw a split second of my first real dead person.. I saw something bright red that was probably some sort of guts and decided that was quite enough.

The drive went smoothly and surprisingly quickly. Along the way I made my first ever snowman at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. He isn't very big, doesn't have a face, and is really pretty pathetic, but I love the poor bastard and was sorry to leave him behind. I'm sure I'll have more practice making snowmen in the coming months. Yesterday I woke up to snow falling outside my window. Sounds romantic when I put it that way, but I wasn't thinking romance at the time. I was just hoping it would be over by the time I got out of the shower. It was.. but it did stick a little and I took a picture of my car's first snow.The snow really is pretty to look at, and is still sorta a novelty to me, but I can't say I am looking forward to too much of it. It's cold! Although, I did get gore-tex shoes and feel I am now ready to kick winter's ass.